Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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