hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
