just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
