I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
They took my balls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
