Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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