You're so nebulous sometimes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The uberlube is also flammable
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
