I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the day after is always just damage control
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
