totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
