Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
