Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
