a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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