I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My ass is underappreciated
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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