Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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