paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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