That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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