i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
