She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
