saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
