I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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