And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
