We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
