I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
