I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
where am i from again
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
