on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
