I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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