you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
