I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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