so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
