i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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