do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
