fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
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Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
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He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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