I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
