Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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