Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I want her autograph on my taint
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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