I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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