apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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