Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Even my vagina gasped.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
