nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
