I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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