You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
