K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
