Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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