this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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