would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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