I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
