I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
