Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
