if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
