she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
