no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Randomize
