Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
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i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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