I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
