A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
